Well, I cant get to sleep. Its 3.10am right now on my phone. Phones nowadays can do just bout everything eh.
Anyway, just had a thought. I dont particularly believe it but no one really knows whats gonna happen. So, if what the 'scientists' say bout the Mayan calendar thing is true, then we'll all be dead at around december.
I dont wanna be dead in december. It might happen, might not. I'm not certain if theres a heaven or hell. If theres even life after death. Hey, noone really knows. (humans use only a small part of the brain, what if the rest of the brain is what creates all else?)
BUT I'm certain of whats happening right now, in this life at this moment, this world, this dimension. So what am I gonna do? Actually, to be honest, I dont really know what to do. I wanna say "i'm gonna do everything I want. NO REGRETS." But really? I dont even know what I want.
What is the meaning of living. I dont wish for much, I realised. Just wanna be happy. Hang out with the people I love. I'm contented just like this.
Yet I feel like something is missing.
3:07 AM
♫ Monday, March 12, 2012
Hi. Its been a long time. Writing this from my phone. Lets pick up where we left off. After moving to Macpherson, I went and got a job at IBM, where my mom works too. Its been pretty easy. Brokedown at work about less than a month in. Apparently its the norm with my generation. Got to mix around with people. See different kinds of people. But I think most importantly, I got to expose myself to different types of situations. And then learn how to react to these situations. I think thats a good lesson. I think I grew up a little.
Figured myself out a little along the way too. And realised that I really actually loved the way I turned out. LOL. Thanks to how my parents brought me up. They really struggled alot to get my sister and me to where we are today. And even though they say I dont have to, I will take care of them for the rest of their lives. My parents brought us up with lotsa freedom and love and some good guidance with good timing. And my mom has some pretty good mommy instincts. The lotsa freedom part means my sister and me has had some super huge messups. But those messups are a part of what makes us who we are. I cant speak for my sister, but I love the way I am. Seriously. I can literally list all the things I like about myself.. but I wont. Haha.
My sister and me are totally different though, so all this is just my side of the story. I know she went through things I never even touched. But vice versa. I just hope she knows our parents did their best. And loves her no matter what she stupidly does to herself. Lol. And hope she realises that our parents are actually really awesome.
Anyway, good post. Maybe I will reignite the flame of my blog once again.. Till then, stay cheery~
11:49 PM
♫ Tuesday, January 03, 2012
New house!
Hey!
I'm supposed to be extremely busy with the packing and unpacking and the moving to a new flat!
But on the first day of the year, moving day, the whole family was so busy that we skipped eating till after noon.
I couldn't help much with the unpacking. Gastric.
But my parents and sister are serious troopers. Kudos to them.
This flat was half done by the end of the first day. And they only had half of the day.
And oil spilled everywhere! Good luck they say. Hahaha. Adds a light gloss to the floor too.
The cats adjusted really quickly. I guess the things we brought from the old flat makes this new flat smell like home. Feels like home too.
AND!
Its windy on the ninth floor. Cant stand a broom up for an hour!
AND!
Bugs have a harder time gettin to the ninth floor!
AND!
Gosh, there are windows everywhere. So much sunlight gets through that the kitten goes inside a backpack to sleep.
My room gets sunrises. Blinded myself twice already. Haha. But I love it, and the windows!
Since the move, I've been doing some down time.
Finally got more then 3 hour sleeps today! *refreshed*
Happy new year!
4:45 PM
♫ Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Continue
But I always end up alone Because I stop walking with people as soon as they get where they wanna go in life. I dont mind that they dont look back and call me to take their hand.
But its really terribly lonely.
9:06 PM
♫ Monday, December 12, 2011
Thinking.
Been in deep thought. Just about everything.
There was news bout a foreign worker trying to commit suicide recently.
And some people seriously don't have emotions.
Ignore that. People can do whatever the hell they want.
Moving along...
I have overcome my low.
But I have plateaued in the middle. Its good though, somehow my thoughts are clear and not all over the place.
I went to someone's wedding yesterday. Someone from my Father's side, that I dont really know. I didn't like the atmosphere. The speakers were loud and people had these "happy" faces.
Somehow I felt it was mostly fake and, I dont know, it just felt wrong.
I realised that I still have the mask that I put on when I'm in these situations, even though my family is there with me. More smiley, more lively.
It was fake and I feel like I deceived my family.
Though, I think the purpose of that mask was to deceive the other people who was looking at me.
Somehow this personality attracts and draws people in.
But I do have that smiley, lively side of me. It was there when I was at Corinne's birthday party and I felt totally different and genuine.
It also attracts and draw people in.
Looks like I'm ranting.
Nevermind. Putting persnality issues aside.
My Mother won't let me get a job because I'm having my wisdom tooth removed on the 22nd.
....
Thanks Mom. I know many people would wish their Moms would say that, but I'm bored at home and I really wanna do something.
But.. Mom insisted.. so here I am.
I miss my friends, but they are either busy or lazy (Lazy= Shaz and Asm)
But honestly, as long as they're happy and doing what they want, I'm fine with it.
I'm used to doing things by myself. God, I really lack trust.
Maybe that's unfair to the people around me and maybe that's selfish of me.
But really.. it doesn't matter what everything adds up to
As long as, in the end, the people that matters to me most are happy.
9:58 AM
♫ Thursday, December 08, 2011
I cant shake off this sad feeling.
Gotta get it together.
12:26 AM
♫ Monday, November 28, 2011
10:46 AM
♫ Sunday, November 27, 2011
Why do people that I cherish the most, stand just out of reach from me.
Why aren't they closer to me. I dont put up any fences with them and I try so hard to narrow the gap in between.
Maybe they are not as close to me as I am to them.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
But it still hurts like fuck.
I have had support for so long. Only now do I feel the true pain as I stand alone.
Whats wrong with me.
Why do I purposely choose to stand alone.
Maybe I'm a masochist.
My head hurts so much.
I told myself not to be so dependant on someone but I did it anyway. Knowing all too well what would be the outcome no matter what is said and done.
My own destruction.
10:07 PM
I'm gonna lose my mind.
I keep almost everyone at an arms length.
The people that I want to come closer, they stand just out of my reach.
Yesterday, I thought this depression was related to my flu and fever..
Today I woke up almost cured of them. But the depression is still here.
I'm beginning to think that becoming an empty shell could be the better choice.
I'm trying not to think that no one understands.
I'm trying not to think these kinda thoughts but they just keep coming and my will to fight is near zero.
Feel like disappearing.
5:21 PM
♫ Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Horrible dreams again.
Dreams where I die.
My face was buried in a pillow. Face down.
Had no control of my body.
I died in my dreams.. again.
Not only that. After that, I had another dream.
Like 10 dreams all mashed together giving me a mix of scenes and bit and pieces like from a movie trailer.
It was sick and twisted.
Also has one other dream, which i shall not mention.
I woke up feeling sick. Mentally. Physically.
Felt like puking. For some reason, I doubt that what wanted to come out was puke. I held it down anyway.
